Fast Five Movie Review
I know that a lot of you are wondering why we are writing a movie review on a gun/holster blog. The short answer is, because we can. The long answer is, well....we think guns are cool, and we think fast cars are cool. What better combination than a movie about fast cars and guns...right? Especially when you have Vin Diesel and Paul Walker (and others) back form the original cast. Plus you have Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson! By the way, Paul Walker's acting is getting better. I actually like Paul Walker. I can see that he struggles in the acting department, but he is a cool guy and I'm glad to see his acting chops improving.
I know that when you go to movies these days you pretty much have to suspend dis-belief before walking into the theater. Especially action movies. I'm okay with that. We're going to the movies to get entertained. The only thing I ask of movie makers is to at least try to have the movie be realistic in the context of the movie. Think of Star Wars. Remember all the space battle scenes? My favorite is when Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca are in the Millennium Falcon battling it out with Imperial Tie fighters. The Millennium Falcon is supposed to be one of the fastest ships in the galaxy....a wonder of space age technology. Yet their weapons system is scarcely any better than that of a WWII B-24 Liberator bomber (of course with the exception that B-24's did not have laser cannon). Luke Skywalker is there in a WWII style turret ball, blasting away at Imperial Tie Fighters with no greater accuracy than the brave men who shot at Luftwaffe fighters over Germany in 1944.
So let me get this straight, you have spacecraft that can go faster than the speed of light, you have laser cannons, yet the very best targeting system you have is a World War II era turret ball with a cross hair target? At least in Star Trek they never miss their target. When the Enterprise fires a photon torpedo, it hits the mark the first time, every time....with just one shot. None of this turret ball nonsense. You see, Star Trek is realistic in the context of the show, where Star Wars is not. And don't get me started on those ridiculous Storm Trooper outfits!
I know it seems like I'm getting sidetracked, but I'm trying to make an important point....which is: Whatever the context of the movie is, at least try to make the elements of the movie match up with the overall them of the movie. In the case of Star Wars, at least endow the weapons systems with some kind of targeting system better than those used circa WWII.
So this brings us to Fast Five. In the beginning of the movie a big point is made about Paul Walker's character and his pregnant girlfriend's lack of money and lack options. They visit an old friend in a Rio De Janeiro favela where the old friend convinces them to do "a job" since they need the money. So we've established from this scene that they have very little money.
Later in the movie, Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and all their buddies they've recruited to help them, decide they are going to break into the Rio Police Department headquarters and crack the safe located there. One of their crew is an expert safe-cracker. The type of safe located in the in the Rio PD is a very specialized safe, and difficult to break into. I can't remember what the safe-cracker said the thickness of the steel walls of the safe was, either 8" or 18." This safe is pretty big, I would say at least 8' tall and 10' wide. I would also say it is at least 10' deep.
Fast forward to a subsequent scene when another member of the of crew is asking the safe-cracker dude how he plans on getting in the safe......and right then, they are walking in their staging warehouse lo and behold...there is a brand new exact duplicate of the safe that is in the RIO PD. So, earlier in the movie, we established that the lead characters didn't have much money. Yet now somehow we are supposed to believe that they were able to get enough money to buy this safe and get it from wherever it is made (Germany maybe?) and have it delivered to a warehouse in a favela in Rio? This has to be at least a million dollar safe. Where did they get the money for that?
Okay friends, now lets do some math. Actually, I'll do the math and then just tell you the results. So let's say the steel is 18" thick on the safe. Do the math and that results in a weight for the safe coming in at an astonishing 250,000 lbs! To get an idea of how much this is, the max. payload capacity on the US military's largest cargo plane (the C5) is 120,000 lbs. Let's say I remembered wrong, and the thickness of the safe walls was 8" and not 18". Well, even with that the weight would be a massive 147,000 lbs., still greater than the max capacity of the world's biggest cargo plane.
So delivering the safe by plane wouldn't work because it is too heavy. Therefore it would have to be brought in by ship, unloaded at the port, put on the largest possible cargo truck (which actually probably still couldn't tow it...but for the sake of this discussion, let's say it can) and carry it into a slum in Rio, all without attracting the attention of Rio's largest and most connected crime boss. Even if all that could happen, it would take months to get it there. In the movie, it's as if the safe appeared the next day.
But wait, it get's better. Because the crew is being relentlessly hunted by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, they have to change their plans. It turns out that they can't break into the safe, so they decide that they will have to steal the safe...the whole safe from it's location in the Rio PD. So they modify two Dodge Chargers with special braces on the back, break down the wall of the Police Department, hook the Chargers up to the safe with cables and then....get this.... pull a 75 ton safe out of the wall. They then go on a high speed chase through the streets of Rio, with two Dodge Chargers dragging this 75 ton safe behind them. Ridiculous.
Perhaps I'm being a little hard on the movie. It was actually a rollicking good time. However, I'm still trying to figure out what is less likely A) Two Dodge Chargers dragging a 75 ton safe on a high speed chase through the streets of Rio, or B) A space craft that can make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, but can't hit the broad side of a barn with a laser cannon. Your opinions please?